Stalkerazzi

What do I do when it’s Saturday night and I realize I’m never going to fit into even a size four or have perfect teeth? This is the time, when I open my Facebook junk inbox. No I’m not a neat freak cleaning up my inbox clutter but instead I resort to a rather hideous occupation.

Meet my ‘Stalkers’. Good old chaps who employ a completely new dimension of the character ‘knight in shining armor’ and keep me from falling into a self-involved, self-conscious oblivion. And no I’m not alone – no female has been spared from a display of her ‘charm’. They will praise you, they will bully you and they will try and convince you that they have been in love with you since the 6th century and that ‘we are meant to be’ since ‘every match is written in heaven and you just fell from the stars into my arms’. The first time I fell victim to this whole charade, I was rather flattered. I had just said good-bye to Enid Blyton and was immersed in stolen steamy romance novels hidden inside O level Biology textbooks. So when Hot Boii sent me a Facebook message saying that he had come across my picture and found my eyes to be ‘twinkling stars in a mantle of oblivion’ I was sent to the ninth heaven of joy. Later, I found out my best friend had been told by Waqas Boii that her ‘hair was silk to his otherwise callous hands’ I was rather disappointed. Geez, Hot Boii, way to go for studying English Literature.

Things would be different for my stalkers if only it was not in my knowledge that the same exact messages that litter my inbox are also in the possession of some other big-eyed, long-haired girls with rather good display pictures on Facebook. So now I just compare them to a germ infestation really, sprawled all over cyber world with a virus of extreme boredom or just generally a very sick idea of fun.

Lets view some specimens from my facebook inbox shall we?

Specimen 1: they keep it short and stick to the point. Not very flattering but still they let you know they’re interested.

a) “kn0ck kn0ck . EyLo0o0″ (EyLo00ooo to you too)

b) “hi. Can I add you?” (at least you asked)

Specimen 2: They will convince you that you are better looking than Katrina Kaif and will spill out their hearts to you

(extract from a 600 word letter)

c) “There is certainly no doubt about this that you are going to consider it another flippin * Fraandship * request, but then I am such a brill lad, that I always believe in giving it a try by considering myself to be jammy enough to capture your attention.

If you ask me, than the only reason why I am dropping you a text is that I have lost the plot and gone nutter since I have seen your picture, and even though it was one hell of a next task for me to spill it out but yes you made me say that *you truly are a beauty* unlike other mingers I normally come across.

Why am i having a lip with you? Why am I saying all this crap?

The land, the city where I was born and bred was the same as yours and I certainly have no doubt how guys pretend to be so sick in front of girls and fancy every single girl who catches their eye. Then no matter whether it’s a Bus stop, a signal, a café, a hospital, the moment they see a girl they go barmy as if she is the only girl in the world (Rihana)* lolx..

(and it went on for a few pages until…)

Stay Blessed!! Xxxx”

And so when I didn’t reply;

“WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ????what do you want? what am i suppose to think, what am i suppose to say?wrote one hell of a message for you, and you ain bringing yourself down from the top of the mountain…WHAT IS YOUR STORY?”

(gee I didn’t know I was on a mountain and that you were having a ‘lip’ with me ‘brill lad’)

d) “heyy hiii

ummmm dunt hv anythng else to say
ok…. “wanna frandshap wid me?”
seroiusly dude every hawt girl has gota bf nd every girl dat i cm to know as my gf is nat hawt….. seriously em fed up… u r the one whum i dunno so dats y em sharing… blah blah i dunno wat em sayin’”

***********HELP MEE**************

(I didn’t know that ‘hawt’ looks were all to you)

Is it just me or are these specimens really misinformed about how to ‘get a bachhi’? Hasn’t anybody told them that they should just read ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus to get a better picture of ‘chicks’? I guess not.

Ask me why I read these on bad days? They give me laughs and leave me actually feeling better. Take a look at this one that my male friend translated into what he calls ‘guy lingo’

e) ‘Hi,u have a nice style (i found u attractive).Very smart dressing u have (probably sexy). I like the way u dressed(attractive sexy). U should be a brand embassadar of CHEN ONE….!!!(because chen one one of the only is the only brand i know of)”

Flattering isn’t it? The next pink Floyd or should I say Coke Studio song should be “Hey Stalkers leave us ‘chicks’ alone”

I could go on and on about my stalkers but why bore you? Or rather why flatter these particular ‘men’ with the knowledge that I actually read their messages in my junk box? The moral of the story is:

“Ladies and Gentlemen that most of us need a life.”