Let me share a little-known embarrassing tale. Once upon a time that is mathematically one year ago yet emotionally and spiritually seems decades ago there was once a freshman(no prizes for guessing who) was an hour early for her first class on her first day. Determined to show extreme efficiency and responsibility in accordance with the fact that she was now entering the almost-adult world (we’re talking 7 in the morning people) and equally determined not to look overdressed but still looking it anyway, she locates her designated auditorium at 7:05 and waits for the rest of the class to show up. She proudly takes out her new notebooks embossed with the LUMS insignia and eloquently traces out her name, roll number and write LUMS Bsc. Honors inside the cover of each to while away the time. By 8:05 when people start trickling in, she realizes she has a problem. Instead of Principles of Economics the instructor is talking something about Advanced Statistical Analysis and harried looking people are listening attentively. Oh crap. What the hell is she doing here? She rushes out of the auditorium as unobtrusively as she can, the metal bangles that she had put on oh-so-casually that morning (after spending half an hour trying to decide if they were too over the top), creating a racket that causes the serious looking seniors to glare at her unforgivably. Yes Advanced Statistics is apparently no joke. Apparently the RO had sent an email out half an hour earlier changing the auditorium so by the time she got to the right class, the instructor was done with the introductory presentation and class was dismissed. Poor little freshman-since that day she always enters class ten minutes late just to be sure and got a new cellphone that supports Wi-Fi for emails.
So here’s a little something to ensure that most of you who just made it to LUMS avoid embarrassing situations-
1. O week is no way representative of life at LUMS- So you enjoyed your O week. Good for you. You’re in a highly ranked university that caters to ethnicities from all around Pakistan AND it takes you to Joyland?! Wow good you didn’t get into Princeton. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that- O week is just a gimmick before you are thrown headfirst into tumbles of assignments and fatty food. Just a LUMS way of saying welcome to the over-worked family.
2. Invest in a car sticker: The security guards at the front gate are not your friends- The only reason they seem so nice in the first week is because they are told to let everyone in. After that, even if you shove your smartcard in their face, they’ll still have a problem if you don’t have a car sticker. Oh and don’t say HUM DEHSHATGARD NAHIN HAIN! It’ll just make it worse.
3. It’s good to have friends who are in higher batches even if you have to suck up to them : Seriously it helps- they’ll get you into clubs and get you director positions at LUMUN. Bribing doesn’t work but the whole brother from another mother act does (Seniors are softies cuz they’re in their last year and they don’t want to leave LUMS to enter the harsh working world that doesn’t give student discounts-awww)
4. Be prepared for your first day at LUMS- this goes without speaking. Ragging generally doesn’t happen unless you really deserve it but please don’t carry crisp blue notes in your pocket or wave them around at the khokha. It really isn’t healthy. Oh and dress casually; it becomes so much easier to tell if you’re a freshie when your hair is straightened, your arms are weighed down by jingling accessories and your hair is mussed up a little too perfectly.
5. Keep the guide map handy throughout your first week- here I speak to all the newbies who have been to LUMS a gazillion times for events that cater to ‘delegates from all around Pakistan’. So you’ve been to LUMS a few times- you know where the sports complex is and where the PDC is. Big deal. Here’s a task for you- Go find A-15 and A-14 and no they’re not hidden in some secret area next to A-13. Where’s A-13? Hint-nobody calls it A-13. Oh and while you’re at it. Also find A-10. Its right next to A-11-which isn’t next to A-9. Oh and btw A-8 is on a completely different floor.
6. Take it easy when you volunteer for events: So your campusmail is brimming with emails dripping with juicy details of LUMUN, Yles, CARMA and Psifi and what not. It says very attractively- apply for director of blah blah NOW!!!!!!!! Here you need to make a choice. You see all these event managing people don’t really choose brains- they go for people who are willing to slave away their social life and the few precious holidays that are sprinkled throughout the academic year and though it’s fun to volunteer and hang out at the free concerts-it’s advisable to do just one event or at most two, because trust me, holidays with no mention of LUMS are much more fun.
7. Check your email every five minutes. The above mentioned will happen to you sooner or later if you don’t.
8. Learn the art of spending smart- Yes LUMS has a HotSpot. Yes now you have ultimate access to Glora Jeans and OMG Yessss now you can eat barbeque anytime but keep eating at the ‘cooler’ eateries every day and you may not be able to afford a meal after the first week of the month. Things may seem cheap but they really are not- it’s good to budget out and then plan accordingly. The PDC and superstore are good options for everyday eating and the rest are good for eating with a bunch of friends. A tip- no coffee tastes as heavenly as the cappuccinos from PDC so don’t go craving caffeine from Gloria all the time.
9. If you don’t like a course the first day, DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT EVEN THINK about keeping it for another second. You will die. Nuff said.
10. When teachers tell you that your GPA isn’t important- they lie. In your freshman year EVERYONE will ask you your GPA from Khala and chachi to the guy you sat next to in just one class.
11. Crying in front of a teacher for a grade only works for girls with male instructors ONLY- on guys it’s just sissy.
12. Impressed by the number of clubs? Only a handful of them actually function (no offence to any society) so again, choose wisely.
13. You met somebody you really liked during O week and don’t know how to meet up? Don’t take the same course they’re taking- it’s just wrong and will not get you a good grade.
14. If a guy and girl are sitting together in the windows next to the superstore or PDC- it does not mean they are going out. And no the sports complex isn’t just a hangout for the spawn of the devil who just can’t keep their hormones in check. So please don’t point or get excited- you’ll be doing the same give or take a month.
15. Economics major is not the only major that has esteem. Anthropology is actually a fun major which isn’t only there for people who were on probation so stop turning up your noses at the word ‘anthro’ and realize that Economics isn’t the answer to all your questions.
16. Don’t take courses full of SSE students: they will increase the mean mysteriously and that means your downfall.
17. The REC is only fun for a few days until all the sofas are stained and everybody doesn’t stop looking you up and down as you enter. The DR’s make much cooler hangouts as long as you’re not alone.
18. No it’s not the end of the world if you get a less than 3 in your first semester. If you get a 4 in your first semester, it’s just creepy.
19. CP makes a difference and so do attendance marks. In the end when you lose your grade by 0.0000000001 percent, they’re not going to change it so try and score in every possible way by showing up to class.
20. Don’t hang out in auditoriums alone after dark. People will assume the worst. And the janitorial staff that keeps bursting in? Yeah that’s doesn’t happen ‘accidently’. Doesn’t matter if you’re with a guy or a girl- it’s just safer to hang out in groups of threes.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Stalkerazzi
What do I do when it’s Saturday night and I realize I’m never going to fit into even a size four or have perfect teeth? This is the time, when I open my Facebook junk inbox. No I’m not a neat freak cleaning up my inbox clutter but instead I resort to a rather hideous occupation.
Meet my ‘Stalkers’. Good old chaps who employ a completely new dimension of the character ‘knight in shining armor’ and keep me from falling into a self-involved, self-conscious oblivion. And no I’m not alone – no female has been spared from a display of her ‘charm’. They will praise you, they will bully you and they will try and convince you that they have been in love with you since the 6th century and that ‘we are meant to be’ since ‘every match is written in heaven and you just fell from the stars into my arms’. The first time I fell victim to this whole charade, I was rather flattered. I had just said good-bye to Enid Blyton and was immersed in stolen steamy romance novels hidden inside O level Biology textbooks. So when Hot Boii sent me a Facebook message saying that he had come across my picture and found my eyes to be ‘twinkling stars in a mantle of oblivion’ I was sent to the ninth heaven of joy. Later, I found out my best friend had been told by Waqas Boii that her ‘hair was silk to his otherwise callous hands’ I was rather disappointed. Geez, Hot Boii, way to go for studying English Literature.
Things would be different for my stalkers if only it was not in my knowledge that the same exact messages that litter my inbox are also in the possession of some other big-eyed, long-haired girls with rather good display pictures on Facebook. So now I just compare them to a germ infestation really, sprawled all over cyber world with a virus of extreme boredom or just generally a very sick idea of fun.
Lets view some specimens from my facebook inbox shall we?
Specimen 1: they keep it short and stick to the point. Not very flattering but still they let you know they’re interested.
a) “kn0ck kn0ck . EyLo0o0″ (EyLo00ooo to you too)
b) “hi. Can I add you?” (at least you asked)
Specimen 2: They will convince you that you are better looking than Katrina Kaif and will spill out their hearts to you
(extract from a 600 word letter)
c) “There is certainly no doubt about this that you are going to consider it another flippin * Fraandship * request, but then I am such a brill lad, that I always believe in giving it a try by considering myself to be jammy enough to capture your attention.
If you ask me, than the only reason why I am dropping you a text is that I have lost the plot and gone nutter since I have seen your picture, and even though it was one hell of a next task for me to spill it out but yes you made me say that *you truly are a beauty* unlike other mingers I normally come across.
Why am i having a lip with you? Why am I saying all this crap?
The land, the city where I was born and bred was the same as yours and I certainly have no doubt how guys pretend to be so sick in front of girls and fancy every single girl who catches their eye. Then no matter whether it’s a Bus stop, a signal, a café, a hospital, the moment they see a girl they go barmy as if she is the only girl in the world (Rihana)* lolx..
(and it went on for a few pages until…)
Stay Blessed!! Xxxx”
And so when I didn’t reply;
“WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ????what do you want? what am i suppose to think, what am i suppose to say?wrote one hell of a message for you, and you ain bringing yourself down from the top of the mountain…WHAT IS YOUR STORY?”
(gee I didn’t know I was on a mountain and that you were having a ‘lip’ with me ‘brill lad’)
d) “heyy hiii
ummmm dunt hv anythng else to say
ok…. “wanna frandshap wid me?”
seroiusly dude every hawt girl has gota bf nd every girl dat i cm to know as my gf is nat hawt….. seriously em fed up… u r the one whum i dunno so dats y em sharing… blah blah i dunno wat em sayin’”
***********HELP MEE**************
(I didn’t know that ‘hawt’ looks were all to you)
Is it just me or are these specimens really misinformed about how to ‘get a bachhi’? Hasn’t anybody told them that they should just read ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus to get a better picture of ‘chicks’? I guess not.
Ask me why I read these on bad days? They give me laughs and leave me actually feeling better. Take a look at this one that my male friend translated into what he calls ‘guy lingo’
e) ‘Hi,u have a nice style (i found u attractive).Very smart dressing u have (probably sexy). I like the way u dressed(attractive sexy). U should be a brand embassadar of CHEN ONE….!!!(because chen one one of the only is the only brand i know of)”
Flattering isn’t it? The next pink Floyd or should I say Coke Studio song should be “Hey Stalkers leave us ‘chicks’ alone”
I could go on and on about my stalkers but why bore you? Or rather why flatter these particular ‘men’ with the knowledge that I actually read their messages in my junk box? The moral of the story is:
“Ladies and Gentlemen that most of us need a life.”
Meet my ‘Stalkers’. Good old chaps who employ a completely new dimension of the character ‘knight in shining armor’ and keep me from falling into a self-involved, self-conscious oblivion. And no I’m not alone – no female has been spared from a display of her ‘charm’. They will praise you, they will bully you and they will try and convince you that they have been in love with you since the 6th century and that ‘we are meant to be’ since ‘every match is written in heaven and you just fell from the stars into my arms’. The first time I fell victim to this whole charade, I was rather flattered. I had just said good-bye to Enid Blyton and was immersed in stolen steamy romance novels hidden inside O level Biology textbooks. So when Hot Boii sent me a Facebook message saying that he had come across my picture and found my eyes to be ‘twinkling stars in a mantle of oblivion’ I was sent to the ninth heaven of joy. Later, I found out my best friend had been told by Waqas Boii that her ‘hair was silk to his otherwise callous hands’ I was rather disappointed. Geez, Hot Boii, way to go for studying English Literature.
Things would be different for my stalkers if only it was not in my knowledge that the same exact messages that litter my inbox are also in the possession of some other big-eyed, long-haired girls with rather good display pictures on Facebook. So now I just compare them to a germ infestation really, sprawled all over cyber world with a virus of extreme boredom or just generally a very sick idea of fun.
Lets view some specimens from my facebook inbox shall we?
Specimen 1: they keep it short and stick to the point. Not very flattering but still they let you know they’re interested.
a) “kn0ck kn0ck . EyLo0o0″ (EyLo00ooo to you too)
b) “hi. Can I add you?” (at least you asked)
Specimen 2: They will convince you that you are better looking than Katrina Kaif and will spill out their hearts to you
(extract from a 600 word letter)
c) “There is certainly no doubt about this that you are going to consider it another flippin * Fraandship * request, but then I am such a brill lad, that I always believe in giving it a try by considering myself to be jammy enough to capture your attention.
If you ask me, than the only reason why I am dropping you a text is that I have lost the plot and gone nutter since I have seen your picture, and even though it was one hell of a next task for me to spill it out but yes you made me say that *you truly are a beauty* unlike other mingers I normally come across.
Why am i having a lip with you? Why am I saying all this crap?
The land, the city where I was born and bred was the same as yours and I certainly have no doubt how guys pretend to be so sick in front of girls and fancy every single girl who catches their eye. Then no matter whether it’s a Bus stop, a signal, a café, a hospital, the moment they see a girl they go barmy as if she is the only girl in the world (Rihana)* lolx..
(and it went on for a few pages until…)
Stay Blessed!! Xxxx”
And so when I didn’t reply;
“WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ????what do you want? what am i suppose to think, what am i suppose to say?wrote one hell of a message for you, and you ain bringing yourself down from the top of the mountain…WHAT IS YOUR STORY?”
(gee I didn’t know I was on a mountain and that you were having a ‘lip’ with me ‘brill lad’)
d) “heyy hiii
ummmm dunt hv anythng else to say
ok…. “wanna frandshap wid me?”
seroiusly dude every hawt girl has gota bf nd every girl dat i cm to know as my gf is nat hawt….. seriously em fed up… u r the one whum i dunno so dats y em sharing… blah blah i dunno wat em sayin’”
***********HELP MEE**************
(I didn’t know that ‘hawt’ looks were all to you)
Is it just me or are these specimens really misinformed about how to ‘get a bachhi’? Hasn’t anybody told them that they should just read ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus to get a better picture of ‘chicks’? I guess not.
Ask me why I read these on bad days? They give me laughs and leave me actually feeling better. Take a look at this one that my male friend translated into what he calls ‘guy lingo’
e) ‘Hi,u have a nice style (i found u attractive).Very smart dressing u have (probably sexy). I like the way u dressed(attractive sexy). U should be a brand embassadar of CHEN ONE….!!!(because chen one one of the only is the only brand i know of)”
Flattering isn’t it? The next pink Floyd or should I say Coke Studio song should be “Hey Stalkers leave us ‘chicks’ alone”
I could go on and on about my stalkers but why bore you? Or rather why flatter these particular ‘men’ with the knowledge that I actually read their messages in my junk box? The moral of the story is:
“Ladies and Gentlemen that most of us need a life.”
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